A Life Update

Hi, everyone.

I’m sorry I’m constantly apologizing for my absence, but I promise I have good reasons for being away. I am currently working towards accomplishing a few goals of mine, and it is extremely time consuming.

I guess you could say I am doing my best to find happiness these days. I am trying new things, continuing things I love, and making necessary changes to my life. I am no longer focusing on where I thought I would be at twenty years old, and am now sort of just going with the flow.

I am doing everything I can to find happiness. I make sure I find moments of relaxation in every day. I am reading more books, signing up for watercolor painting classes, and finding joy in everyday life. I am also cutting people out of my life that bring negativity.

I am also still working on my book. I am so pleased with my progress so far, and if things continue the way they are, I will most likely be finishing my rough draft in a few months time. I also am looking into the whole process of getting it published once it is finished, and I would appreciate any advice if anyone has any to give.

So, that is basically what I am up to these days. Again, sorry I have been absent.

Be kind always.

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An Explanation for my Absence 

Hi, everyone. 

You may or may not have noticed that I haven’t posted much recently. Truthfully, I have been so busy. My best friend goes to college two and a half hours away from where I live, and I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could before he left. I have also been job hunting, and dealing with some anxiety and depression issues. The really big reason I’ve been absent from WordPress, and half of the reason I’m writing this post, is because I’m chasing a dream.

It may sound silly and improbable, but I am currently writing a book. I have been wanting to do this for so long, and I finally found the courage to begin chasing this dream. There has been this idea for a book sitting with me for a while, and I can’t ignore it any longer. The idea of writing this book actually makes me excited.

You may roll you eyes at how crazy this sounds, but I encourage you all to chase your dreams. The way I think about it, the worst that can happen is I’m not successful in this scenario. I honestly have nothing to lose by trying. I often wonder how upsetting it would be if my favorite book, song, or movie was never written out of fear of failure. Maybe this book will be successful, maybe it won’t go anywhere, but at least I won’t have to live with the “what if?” 

Keep dreaming, and be kind always. 

My Own Personal Hell 

I frequently refer to any undesirable situation as my own personal hell. I was thinking about it, and I wondered what exactly my own personal hell would consist of. I came up with a list.

  • First, I wake up two minutes before my alarm goes off.
  • Next, I go to brush my teeth, but the tube of toothpaste is almost completely empty, so I have to settle for a sad amount of toothpaste.
  • I have nothing but awkward fitting clothes to choose from.
  • When I go to make a cup of coffee, I have no cream or sugar.
  • That kid with a weird crush on me from high school runs into me.
  • All of the small talk happens.
  • One of my earbuds quits working.
  • People keep talking to me while I’m reading, so I have to read the same sentence over and over again.
  • I have wifi, but it never works.
  • I’m promised pizza for lunch, but I’m given brussel sprouts instead. 
  • All of the plans I’m excited for are cancelled, and the ones I’m dreading are pushed up.

I could probably go on and on about this subject, but I’m going to stop here for now. Maybe I’ll do a part two soon. 

Also, I would love to hear your feedback. Let me know in the comments what your own personal hell would be. 

The Problem With Anonymity 

Recently, I downloaded whisper on my phone. If you don’t know what whisper is, it is an app that lets you make anonymous confessions. I like the fact that you can get things off your chest without anyone knowing your identity, but there is a downside; rudeness. 

When nobody knows your identity, you can say whatever you want without dealing with the consequences. The thing is, somebody is paying for your hurtful words. Just because you can’t see the person you are talking to, doesn’t mean that there isn’t a real human being reading your words. Your words can scar someone and trigger emotions that can’t be just brushed off. 
Honestly, I don’t understand why people would want to be rude to strangers. Hurting someone will not accomplish anything. When you can build someone up, I don’t understand why you would want to tear somebody down.

A lot of great people use this app, but I don’t think I will continue. The negativity isn’t worth it, in my opinion. There is a difference between being genuine and being rude, and a lot of the users don’t get that. I just think it’s unfortunate that anonymity encourages people to hurt the feelings of others.

Be kind always.

“Fight”

This one little five letter word holds so much. I am so overwhelmingly stressed out right now, but I am going to prevail. 

As you may know, I frequently write about my struggle with depression. Although I am doing better than when I was first diagnosed, I am no stranger to the random depressive episode. Within the last few days, my depression has had me believing the lies it tells me. Here are some examples:

I will never make something of myself in this world.

It won’t be too long until everyone gives up on me.

Because of my mistakes, I have already ruined my life at nineteen years old.

The thing is, those are just lies. Depression takes your insecurities, and tells you they are your limits. Depression feeds off of your fear. Your hopelessness is depression’s strength. 

Fight it.

My motivation is running thin, and I am exhausted from fighting my own demons. I won’t stop fighting though. 

I’ve been tempted to give in, but a little voice inside my head makes itself known. 

“Fight.” 

That’s the only thing it ever says. The way it says it is what causes me to listen. It is determined, caring, and full of confidence. That is the voice of someone I never thought I would hear from again. That voice belongs to me. 

I know how draining depression is, but please keep fighting it. The fight against depression doesn’t have to be some epic scene from an action movie. It can be something as simple as drinking enough water because you recognize that you are valuable, and you need to take care of yourself. 

Fight for yourself. 

Things I Won’t Apologize For 

I’m one of those people that has a habit of apologizing for everything. Here is a list of a few things I will not apologize for anymore. 

1. Wearing shorts and a tank top in ninety degree weather: People act like it’s easier to not get heat stroke than it is for guys to control themselves.

2. My body: Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. Get over it.

3. Turning a guy down: I’ll apologize for hurting your feelings, but I won’t apologize for not being interested.

4. Being an introvert: I’m not even a little sorry about this. I’m not going to a party because I plan on sitting in sweats and reading for six hours straight. Judge me all you want.

5. My beliefs: You don’t have to agree with them, just respect them. I’m not going to apologize for what I believe.

6. My sense of humor: If I find it funny, I’m going to laugh. Not sorry.

7. Things I find interesting: I’m not about to apologize for any of that anymore. I like pizza, crime shows, and staying at home. Let me live my life.

8. My eating habits: I eat like a little kid. In restaurants, I actually find the food on the kid’s menu far more appetizing than the adult’s menu. Sue me. 

9. My awkwardness: If you don’t find my awkwardness to be charming, we probably can’t be friends. 

10. Being myself: I plan on never apologizing for who I am again. I am not going to be a fake version of myself to please others. If you don’t like me, don’t associate yourself with me. It’s that simple. 

I hope you enjoyed this list, and that you never feel the need to apologize for any of these things. 

Be unapologetically yourself. 

Beautiful and Broken 

My body is healthy, but my mind isn’t. My soul is aching, but it doesn’t matter as long as I look like I’m properly put together. My depression is hell, but who cares when I carry myself so well?

This beauty mentality is a huge problem in today’s culture. We have a growing knowledge of mental illness, but we keep prioritizing physical beauty. From a Christian point of view, we are prioritizing our vessel, but not the cargo. Whether or not you’re a Christian, many of us can agree that personality is far more important than looks, but our actions don’t correlate with our views.

I think it’s ridiculous that I live in a world that instead of being happy about my medication helping my depression, all people seemed to care about was my weight fluctuation after taking the medicine. I hate that people weren’t happy that I was coping with stress better, but were happy that the breakouts on my face from stress had cleared.

We live in a world that doesn’t care how miserable we are, as long as we manage to look good. As long as our eyes are covered in makeup, no one cares how exhausted we are. As long as a layer of blush lays on our cheeks, no one cares that our natural glow has faded. As long as our lips have been kissed by lipstick, no one cares that they are not smiling.

This problem can also take a 180 degree turn. The desire to be beautiful can be what tears away at our soul. The media has created an unachievable beauty standard, and convinced people that they will not be happy until they live up to it.

The strive for perfection can completely wreak havoc on a person’s wellbeing. The inability to achieve an unrealistic goal can cause a feeling of failure and worthlessness, which can lead to depression and anxiety disorders.

We live in a world where without even realizing it, we believe success and beauty are synonymous.

I don’t know if this problem will ever completely go away, but I will consider it a success if just one person reevaluates their attitude towards mental health and beauty.

I just want you to focus on what is really important, and don’t try to change what can’t be changed.

 

Take care of yourself, and be kind always.

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