I didn’t plan on posting this. I just wrote this to help me organize my thoughts. I was hurting and I wanted to keep that pain private. I realized that a lot of people go through that kind of pain, and I might be able to help someone else through it. I’m putting those private thoughts that helped me out there, and I hope someone can benefit from it. Here it goes.
I was so jealous. My thoughts were being consumed by her. The way she walks, smiles, laughs, and smells. I hated it, and I wanted it. She was perfect, and I despised that. I wanted to be her, but better. Maybe if I was more like her, he would want me more. We had been talking and dating for a while, but maybe things would move forward if I were more like her. Things would move forward if she would stay away from him. I couldn’t stand this girl, and I didn’t even know her. How was that possible? How could I dislike someone so much, yet want to be just like her?
This jealousy was turning me into someone that I’m not, literally. I’m not the kind of person to dislike anyone without even knowing them, and even then I’m civil. I’m not the kind of person to want to change who I am for a guy. That’s who I was turning into though, a girl who let her jealousy become her defining personality trait.
I realized that I don’t have to be that person. I just had to change my perspective. I was acting like this guy was a prize, my prize, and she was competing with me. That’s no way to act. Because he isn’t a prize, I am. My happiness and well-being was what I needed to be focusing on. Honestly, he was a great guy, and I probably would have liked her if I weren’t so jealous, but nobody will ever be worth sacrificing my sanity for.
If you are going through that, whether in a relationship or otherwise, please know that your authentic self is magnificent. I truly mean that. Your true personality will always be better than a fake version of someone else’s. I know that won’t completely take the pain away. It hurts like hell, but at least it’s real. I promise the pain does eventually go away. Instead of focusing all of your energy on hurt or hatred, focus on being the best version of yourself. Do things that make you happy. Surround yourself with people who genuinely appreciate you. Most importantly, remember that you’re the only one that defines your worth.
That was extremely honest and open, and it was hard for me to post. If it helps at least one person, it will be worth it.
Stay happy, my friends.