Life Update

Oh boy.

I’ve been gone for a while, and maybe you will understand why through this post. Although I could write about every single topic individually, I will just touch on each subject briefly.

  • The Presidential Election

I don’t even know where to begin on this, but I will do my best. I felt defeated after the elections. Hatred, misogyny, racism, and ignorance won. As a woman, I felt like the country hated me. I felt like I had little to no worth. I joined women across the country in the disappointment of knowing our country is tolerable of such actions from a president. Instead of being sad or angry, I have decided to let this ignite a fire in my soul. I will show that women can be successful, and I will empower other women to reach their goals.

  • Depression and Anxiety

Due to my biological makeup and circumstances in my life, my depression and anxiety has hit a new low. I won’t go into great detail about it, but I have felt extremely low and the pressure to be perfect and pretend nothing is wrong. I’m still struggling, but I have been getting help.

  • The End of a Relationship

I previously wrote about the heartache I was going through. The relationship aspect ended, but we tried, and failed, to keep our friendship alive. Unfortunately, he and I were toxic together. I let him be my source of happiness, and he continued to feed me lies. Although I have negative feelings towards him, I don’t want to bash him online. Anyway, I finally had had enough, and I recently deleted and blocked him off of all of my social media, and I have no plans to speak with him again. Truthfully, I wasn’t enough to make him happy, and he only ever said meaningless words and lies. I know that sounded terrible, but I wanted to briefely and honestly explain what happened between us without completely bashing him. I’m extremely content letting him go his own way, and I’ll go mine. I know completely shutting him out of my life sounds harsh, but we’re far better off on our own than we are together. He has a new girlfriend now, just a week after telling me he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, and now I’m wondering why I didn’t mean enough to him for him to just be honest with me. I promise, I just want you to know the details that ultimately led to us ending, and I’m not trying to bash him in any way because I’m not perfect either, but it was just an insanely messy split. Now, I’m just trying to get through that empty feeling associated with a relationship ending. I don’t miss him, but I miss the memories and feeling so close to somebody. Honestly, my self esteem has declined a bit because he was faithful to every other girl but me. I’ve never been one of those girls to feel like she needs a guy to be happy, but I can’t help but wonder why I wasn’t enough. If you happen to have any advice on this matter, I would greatly appreciate it.

  • Holidays

Holidays have been hard for me, I won’t lie about that. With the toxicity I mentioned above, and dealing with a lot of uncertainty in my life, my holidays were stressful. I didn’t have much in my bank account to buy gifts this year, but I managed. I also had a hard time getting into the spirit while battling depression and anxiety. All in all, my holidays were good.

  • An Unexpected Death

This is hard to write about. One of the children I work with passed away around a week and a half before Christmas. I will not name this child or go into great detail about his death out of respect for his family. All I will say is this child was an elementary schooler, and his death was a terrible accident, and it was no one’s fault. Honestly, I didn’t really know the child very well, but my coworker/best friend did. Don’t get me wrong, I mourned, and I feel horrible for his family, but I didn’t really know him. The hard part was watching my best friend break down and blame himself, and deal with the anxiety that came along with something as tragic as a child passing away. I’m so terrified of it happening again, especially to one of the kids I work with on a daily basis. I also can’t help but check on my little brother as often as I can. I don’t mean to think about it so much, but the thought of another child passing away keeps me awake at night.

  • The Book I am Currently Writing

Onto a happier note, I am so excited about the book I am writing. I am not sure how I want the story to progress, but I have 100 pages written. While I am thinking about the plot, I have been editing my already written work, and writing a more solid plot and stronger characters. I also have a few other ideas that I have jotted down, a side project associated with writing, and I have also been working on short stories. Writing makes me feel so right, like I have a sense of purpose.

  • My New Puppy

I adopted a puppy about three weeks ago, and he keeps me quite busy. He’s a two month old coonhound mix, and I named him Scout after one of my favorite literary characters. Scout was initially rescued by a no kill shelter after somebody found him, the rest of his litter, and his mother abandoned on the side of a road. I adopted him, and he is one of the best things that has happened to me in the past year. I absolutely love this dog, and I love having the responsibility of taking care of him. I want him to feel safe, loved, and happy, especially since he was exposed to such a cruel act as a newborn puppy. I don’t know if Scout will remember being abandoned in cold weather, but I am going to make sure he never has to go through anything like that ever again.

  • New Friendships

I’m no stranger to feeling lonely. In fact, I have felt like an outsider all throughout school. Luckily, ever since I started my job, I have made a lot of friends with the staff. As I mentioned above, one of my coworkers is one of the best friends I have ever had. I have never felt like I can tell somebody absolutely anything, but now I do. We have inside jokes, playfully insult each other, support each other through hard times, and talk every day. Just last night, he sent me a snapchat (he may have been a little drunk at the time) saying that I have a pretty smile, and I deserve somebody who will only make me smile, and never second guess my worth. I have never had a friend give me such a sincere compliment. He doesn’t just say things like “You’re funny” or “You’re pretty.” He tells me that I am kind, genuine, that I’m one of the most caring people he knows, and constantly tells me how happy he is that we’re friends. Before I go any further, I promise there is nothing romantic going on between us. He has had the same girlfriend for almost three years. He is so happily in love with her, and I am so happy for him. I’m just so grateful to have such a genuine friendship with someone who values me as much as I value them.

 

So, now you know why I have been gone for so long.

Stay kind always.

 

A Life Update

Hi, everyone.

I’m sorry I’m constantly apologizing for my absence, but I promise I have good reasons for being away. I am currently working towards accomplishing a few goals of mine, and it is extremely time consuming.

I guess you could say I am doing my best to find happiness these days. I am trying new things, continuing things I love, and making necessary changes to my life. I am no longer focusing on where I thought I would be at twenty years old, and am now sort of just going with the flow.

I am doing everything I can to find happiness. I make sure I find moments of relaxation in every day. I am reading more books, signing up for watercolor painting classes, and finding joy in everyday life. I am also cutting people out of my life that bring negativity.

I am also still working on my book. I am so pleased with my progress so far, and if things continue the way they are, I will most likely be finishing my rough draft in a few months time. I also am looking into the whole process of getting it published once it is finished, and I would appreciate any advice if anyone has any to give.

So, that is basically what I am up to these days. Again, sorry I have been absent.

Be kind always.

Something on my Mind

Hi, everyone.

I haven’t posted in a while because I have been so busy. I’m not going to lie to you, things aren’t easy for me right now. It’s nothing I can’t handle, but writing always makes me feel better. I’m using this blog post as a way to freely get things off of my mind. I’m not going to organize my thoughts, I’m just going to write and keep things genuine.

If you can relate to any of what I am about to write, I hope you will find comfort knowing that you are not alone.

I am so damn tired.

I am tired of feeling inadequate, under appreciated, and unimportant.

I’ve never had a best friend. Plenty of friends, sure, but no one I can call my best friend. I have never had somebody to share two halves of a heart shaped necklace that say ‘best friends’ when put together. I’ve never stayed up spilling secrets with my best friend, because they have never existed. I’ve never been so close to someone that I considered their family to be my second family. It just doesn’t happen.

I’ve been asked to be a bridesmaid, but never the maid of honor. As honored as I am to be considered a big part of a wedding, I wonder how it would feel to be so important to someone that they want to give me a different title completely. Nobody ever thinks of me and considers me their number one person. I’m painfully used to it.

I’m tired of being every guy’s second choice. I hate being the girl they talk to while they’re bored, but then commit when they find somebody better. I hate hearing “Liking her doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings for you.” That heart wrenching pain that occurs when a guy tells you it won’t work because of someone else is becoming all too familiar to me. It’s tear jerking and soul draining.

I’m tired of fading into the background and being forgotten about.

I’m scared that I will never be able to truly connect with people.

I’m always the second choice. The one that is invisible until someone needs something from me.

I’m tired of feeling lonely.

Continue reading “Something on my Mind”

Twenty Lessons in Twenty Years

Hi, everyone.

My twentieth birthday is next Saturday, and I wanted to share some lessons I have learned throughout my life. I think it’s a good idea to sometimes take a pause in life and see where you’ve been, where you are, and where you want to be. I figured a great time to do this would be before turning twenty. Here are twenty lessons I have learned in twenty years.

  1. Someone in the world cares about you:

I have been in so many situations where I have been considered the inferior person. I remember in sixth grade, my best friend decided that she ranked someone else above me out of the blue. Losing a friend hurt, and I didn’t think anyone would ever want to be my friend, but flash forward a few years, and I have amazing and loyal friends. As I am currently going through a break up of sorts, I feel like I lost ‘the one’ but I know that isn’t true. One day I am going to find somebody that will love me for who I am, and not feel the need for anyone else’s attention. I promise, there are good people out there.

2. Sometimes you are forced to face reality before anyone should have to:

I have written about this before, but my grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s when I was a young child. He didn’t remember who I was by the time I was eleven years old. Nobody should have to face the reality of harshly losing a loved one at such a young age. It was unfair that I had to go through that, but it did make me stronger as a person. I was forced to grow up a little faster than others, but it taught me to appreciate my loved ones at a young age.

3. It’s okay to cut toxicity out of your life:

There are certain people or situations that will completely drain you. It’s okay to cut that out of your life. You don’t have to be rude, but you are allowed to put your mental health first.

4. You’re not weak for asking for help:

I went such a long time knowing I had issues associated with depression, but I was scared to ask for help because I thought people would think I was weak. I was so completely wrong. There is nothing braver than admitting you are not a superhuman, and you need some assistance with getting better. There’s no shame in the game.

5. Your past does not dictate your future:

I am a human being, and I have made mistakes in the past. The only way this would be a huge problem is if I didn’t learn from them. My past is where I have been, but I have no intentions of living there.

6. It’s okay to question aspects of your life:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with questioning what you believe or what you have been taught. You are a person that is constantly growing, and it is so important that you don’t go through life blindly.

7. It’s okay to be different:

I used to be so self conscious about things that make me different. When I was in school, all I wanted was to fit in. Now, I am so happy that I have unique qualities. Everything that makes me different is directing me to where I want to be in life. I love what makes me different.

8. Appearance is not as important as personality:

Yes, appearance in a hygienic sense is important, but personality is what really seals the deal. I personally think that if someone has an amazing personality, they are more attractive. People that are worth your time won’t care about your appearance when they can become familiar with your soul.

9. Respect goes a long way:

I, like everyone else, have had to deal with people that I don’t agree with or even particularly like. Even though I’m not fond of someone, I always give them respect. In my experience, if you show someone respect, they will return the favor. Respect can be the difference between hell and being treated like a human being.

10. Dreaming doesn’t get you very far in life, but hard work does.

I think dreaming is essential for a happy life, but it won’t get you anywhere if you don’t pair it with hard work. Personally, I have always loved writing, but I wasn’t getting anywhere by just dreaming about it. I pushed myself, and I have won a poetry contest, and I am now working on a book. Whether or not this dream takes me anywhere, I won’t have to look back and wonder what would have happened if I had just tried harder.

11. Fake it until you make it:

I’m a young woman that does not know what the hell she is doing, but that’s not going to stop me from trying. When I’m at work, I have no idea what I’m doing, but my boss has complimented my work, so I guess I’m doing something right.

12. It’s okay to take a time out:

Life is absolutely crazy and overwhelming, of course you need to take a breather every now and then. Nobody would expect you to stay on the go for days on end without taking a break. When becoming too overwhelmed, it’s really in your best interest to take a break, and come back when you’re feeling refreshed.

13. Just because people are supposed to love you doesn’t mean they will:

There are people in this world that only care about themselves, and if you don’t cause them any personal gain, they won’t be interested. Some people in this world look at love like it is nothing but a business deal, that’s their problem, not yours. Unfortunately, these people are sometimes those who are supposed to love us unconditionally.

14. Education is so important:

I wish I could go back and tell my fifteen year old self that studying for my chemistry test was more important than trying to make everybody like me. I also wish I could tell myself that it’s okay to ask for extra help rather than getting too overwhelmed.

15. Experiences are more rewarding than tangible objects:

I cherish my memories far more than tangible items that I don’t even actually need. I would rather spend my money on creating memories with important people in my life than on something that I’ll just end up losing in a couple weeks.

16. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else:

Success is not something that can be easily measured. Sometimes, simply existing is the most complex thing a person can do. Without knowing a person’s history, you have no idea how hard they are fighting to be exactly where they are in the present moment.

17. Beating around the bush is a waste of time:

Being honest and straight forward is the quickest way to solve any conflict. It is crucial to let people know where you stand and let whatever happens just happen.

18. It’s okay to be a child at heart:

It’s important to be responsible, hardworking, and driven. It’s also important to enjoy life and find joy in simplicity. One day, I bought a dollar toy dinosaur after work, and I don’t regret it at all. I worked hard, and I earned the right to be silly and have a good time.

19. You have a right to feel emotions:

I have been told in my life that I shouldn’t feel what I feel, but I can’t just turn that off. Believe me, I try to not feel emotions or pretend I don’t care, but I know that is extremely unhealthy. Our emotions make us who we are, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. If something makes you happy, let it. If you think something is hilarious, laugh. Don’t ever let someone who hurt you tell you that you’re being unreasonable. You have every right to feel whatever damn emotion you naturally feel.

20. It’s okay to be a work in progress:

This is probably the most important lesson I have learned so far in my life. I had this picture of where I wanted to be in life at this moment, and I’m nowhere near there. I let the idea of this picturesque life completely destroy me. I thought that I would know what I want to do with my life at almost twenty and I would be working towards that by now. I thought I would have a clear picture of my future, but I don’t. I now know that’s okay. I am young, and I have so many failures and successful endeavors ahead of me. I’m still figuring out who I am and what impression I want to leave. There is so much pressure to have yourself together by the time you’re twenty, but that’s not necessary yet. There is so much people my age have yet to experience, how can we know exactly what we want? I am at the glorious age where I get to try so much and figure out what feels right for me. I’m not ashamed of not knowing what I want yet.

 

There you go, those are twenty lessons I have learned in (almost) twenty years. I look forward to learning more lessons in the years to come.

 

 

When a Good Heart Breaks 

When a good heart breaks, its very own beat is painful. You stop trusting and you put up higher walls than before. You want to make sure he’s in just as much pain as you are. You want to tell him to go to hell. 

But I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to let my broken heart change who I am. 

I’m still going to wish him good luck with tests and interviews.

I’m still going to listen and offer comfort when he needs someone to be there for him. 

I’m still going to tell him “Happy birthday” and “Merry Christmas.”

Whether or not our happiness ends up being in each other or other people, I still will wish him happiness. 

Because staying friends means building each other up, and helping each other through this pain. 

He may have broken my heart, and I may have wounded him with my words of anger, but I don’t want that moment to define our friendship. 

I don’t want a broken heart to change the way I love others. Although my heart is broken, it will stay good. 

Be kind always. 

We Need Feminism in the Workplace 

Feminism has come such a long way, but we need to make a few improvements. This post will be about my own personal experiences, so I will not be able to completely cover this rather broad subject. 

This is why I need feminism in the workplace:

My first reason is because some of the children I’m in charge of will not listen to women. I don’t know why, but some of the kids are under the impression that men have more authority. This problem is being worked on, but it pisses me off that it even exists in the first place.

The second reason is a little more complex and aggravating. I have a male coworker, we’ll call him Jeff,  who makes me very uncomfortable. Jeff makes comments about my physical appearance, stares at me, sends me random messages, and is very touchy. He also does these things with another female coworker. Nothing he does is against our handbook, so my discomfort is my own problem. He isn’t doing anything illegal or dangerous, but I don’t want to be flirted with at work. Also, things will be so complex if I mention how uncomfortable this makes me. I don’t want to be responsible for any issues at work. I just wish I was viewed as somebody at work to do a job, not to be flirted with and goggled at.

I really do work at a great place, but I know other women are feeling the pressure I’m feeling and maybe even then some. Again, I can’t speak of other issues such as unequal pay or not getting promotions because of my gender because I haven’t experienced anything like that. My point is, the workplace is in need of feminism. 

I would love to hear feedback. Do you have any experiences in this area? Maybe from a male perspective? Let me know in the comments. 

It’s Been One of Those Weeks 

Do you ever have one of those weeks where everything is going wrong? Well, that’s been my week and then some. Hopefully things are going better for you, but if not, we can be miserable together. Here is everything that has me on the verge of changing my name and fleeing the country this week.

1. People: People in general are just a nightmare. I have dealt with people that are indirect, people who make no effort to be in my life,  and people who cross lines. All in one week. 

2. Work: Work for the most part is fine, but I definitely deal with my fair share of kids who don’t listen and argue with my coworkers and I. At least I’m getting paid.

3. Finances: I’m currently trying to figure out how to pay bills, save up for a car that I desperately need, and figure out how to pay for necessary medicine and dental work. Yay, adulting.

4. Negativity: Lately, I feel like I’m drowning in negativity. I’m trying to work on a friendship that is falling apart, and it’s hell to know that I might not be able to fix it. There’s a child I work with that comes from a bad home and never smiles, and it breaks my heart. On top of all of that, my anxiety is so bad that I have completely lost my appetite, and I’m rapidly losing weight. 

So, there you go. I wish there was a moral somewhere in this post, but there’s not. 

And, it’s only Tuesday. I plan on shutting my phone off this weekend and trying to relax.

I genuinely hope you’re all having a better week than I am.

Stay kind always.