I’ve been gone for a while, and maybe you will understand why through this post. Although I could write about every single topic individually, I will just touch on each subject briefly.
- The Presidential Election
I don’t even know where to begin on this, but I will do my best. I felt defeated after the elections. Hatred, misogyny, racism, and ignorance won. As a woman, I felt like the country hated me. I felt like I had little to no worth. I joined women across the country in the disappointment of knowing our country is tolerable of such actions from a president. Instead of being sad or angry, I have decided to let this ignite a fire in my soul. I will show that women can be successful, and I will empower other women to reach their goals.
- Depression and Anxiety
Due to my biological makeup and circumstances in my life, my depression and anxiety has hit a new low. I won’t go into great detail about it, but I have felt extremely low and the pressure to be perfect and pretend nothing is wrong. I’m still struggling, but I have been getting help.
- The End of a Relationship
I previously wrote about the heartache I was going through. The relationship aspect ended, but we tried, and failed, to keep our friendship alive. Unfortunately, he and I were toxic together. I let him be my source of happiness, and he continued to feed me lies. Although I have negative feelings towards him, I don’t want to bash him online. Anyway, I finally had had enough, and I recently deleted and blocked him off of all of my social media, and I have no plans to speak with him again. Truthfully, I wasn’t enough to make him happy, and he only ever said meaningless words and lies. I know that sounded terrible, but I wanted to briefely and honestly explain what happened between us without completely bashing him. I’m extremely content letting him go his own way, and I’ll go mine. I know completely shutting him out of my life sounds harsh, but we’re far better off on our own than we are together. He has a new girlfriend now, just a week after telling me he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, and now I’m wondering why I didn’t mean enough to him for him to just be honest with me. I promise, I just want you to know the details that ultimately led to us ending, and I’m not trying to bash him in any way because I’m not perfect either, but it was just an insanely messy split. Now, I’m just trying to get through that empty feeling associated with a relationship ending. I don’t miss him, but I miss the memories and feeling so close to somebody. Honestly, my self esteem has declined a bit because he was faithful to every other girl but me. I’ve never been one of those girls to feel like she needs a guy to be happy, but I can’t help but wonder why I wasn’t enough. If you happen to have any advice on this matter, I would greatly appreciate it.
Holidays have been hard for me, I won’t lie about that. With the toxicity I mentioned above, and dealing with a lot of uncertainty in my life, my holidays were stressful. I didn’t have much in my bank account to buy gifts this year, but I managed. I also had a hard time getting into the spirit while battling depression and anxiety. All in all, my holidays were good.
- An Unexpected Death
This is hard to write about. One of the children I work with passed away around a week and a half before Christmas. I will not name this child or go into great detail about his death out of respect for his family. All I will say is this child was an elementary schooler, and his death was a terrible accident, and it was no one’s fault. Honestly, I didn’t really know the child very well, but my coworker/best friend did. Don’t get me wrong, I mourned, and I feel horrible for his family, but I didn’t really know him. The hard part was watching my best friend break down and blame himself, and deal with the anxiety that came along with something as tragic as a child passing away. I’m so terrified of it happening again, especially to one of the kids I work with on a daily basis. I also can’t help but check on my little brother as often as I can. I don’t mean to think about it so much, but the thought of another child passing away keeps me awake at night.
- The Book I am Currently Writing
Onto a happier note, I am so excited about the book I am writing. I am not sure how I want the story to progress, but I have 100 pages written. While I am thinking about the plot, I have been editing my already written work, and writing a more solid plot and stronger characters. I also have a few other ideas that I have jotted down, a side project associated with writing, and I have also been working on short stories. Writing makes me feel so right, like I have a sense of purpose.
- My New Puppy
I adopted a puppy about three weeks ago, and he keeps me quite busy. He’s a two month old coonhound mix, and I named him Scout after one of my favorite literary characters. Scout was initially rescued by a no kill shelter after somebody found him, the rest of his litter, and his mother abandoned on the side of a road. I adopted him, and he is one of the best things that has happened to me in the past year. I absolutely love this dog, and I love having the responsibility of taking care of him. I want him to feel safe, loved, and happy, especially since he was exposed to such a cruel act as a newborn puppy. I don’t know if Scout will remember being abandoned in cold weather, but I am going to make sure he never has to go through anything like that ever again.
- New Friendships
I’m no stranger to feeling lonely. In fact, I have felt like an outsider all throughout school. Luckily, ever since I started my job, I have made a lot of friends with the staff. As I mentioned above, one of my coworkers is one of the best friends I have ever had. I have never felt like I can tell somebody absolutely anything, but now I do. We have inside jokes, playfully insult each other, support each other through hard times, and talk every day. Just last night, he sent me a snapchat (he may have been a little drunk at the time) saying that I have a pretty smile, and I deserve somebody who will only make me smile, and never second guess my worth. I have never had a friend give me such a sincere compliment. He doesn’t just say things like “You’re funny” or “You’re pretty.” He tells me that I am kind, genuine, that I’m one of the most caring people he knows, and constantly tells me how happy he is that we’re friends. Before I go any further, I promise there is nothing romantic going on between us. He has had the same girlfriend for almost three years. He is so happily in love with her, and I am so happy for him. I’m just so grateful to have such a genuine friendship with someone who values me as much as I value them.
So, now you know why I have been gone for so long.
Stay kind always.