This was written during a reoccurrence of darkness after I thought I was in the light.
I know you’re not completely gone. You keep showing up at the worst times. My family and friends start to believe I’m doing better, but you want to destroy them just as much as you want to destroy me. Just when I think I’ve started to find my way, you darken my path until I’m lost again. Just when I start to feel warm, you chill me to my core.
What the hell did I ever do to you?
Every time I begin to fall into a restless sleep, you bully me until I fantasize about the idea of just not having to wake up. How do you make me feel so guilty when I thought there was no feeling left? I’m fighting for life, but you’re fighting for death. You feed off of your victims until there’s nothing left.
Every time I begin to put the pieces back together, you show up and break me down all over again. Every time I start to heal, you claw at me until I bleed. I look into the mirror, but I don’t recognize the person looking back at me. I want to scream, but I can’t even muster a whisper. I lay on the bathroom floor, trying to block out all of the vicious things you’re telling me. You suffocate me to the point where I am begging you to end it, to end me, but you won’t. You gain power by taking mine away.
You’re still around, but so am I.
I want to win. I am a nearly hollow shell. You took almost everything; my motivation, happiness, confidence, and peace. The one thing I have left is the determination to beat you. I’m tired today, but this battle can’t be won in a day anyway. Someday, I will be me again.
Please take depression seriously. If you suspect that you or someone you know is suffering from depression, act immediately.
If you are suicidal, and nobody will listen, go to a hospital or call 911. Nurses and doctors will take you seriously, and will start the process of helping you to recover from depression.
Here is a list of depression hotlines if you need them.
Please remember that your life is so precious. If you think nobody cares, know that I do. I’m always willing to talk if you need to.
Take care of yourself. You’re worth it.